Letting Go of Balance

 For so long I have been trying to find the 'perfect balance'. To have everything leveled out in a way where I can divide myself equally among my many responsibilities and desires. Not very long ago, I came to a conclusion. It's not going to happen. Ever. There is no such thing as a perfectly balanced life. Nobody lives one, and if they tell you they do, I'll bet they aren't telling you everything.

 You know what? I am okay with this. In fact, I am freaking ecstatic about it. I realize now that I don't want to be perfectly balance. In striving for this balance, I was setting myself up for failure. You just can't be two places at once. You can't have the job you love and the home life you desire. It's not realistic; something's got to give. I think I was in denial about this at first. Maybe I didn't have it all together now, but I would get there. I would work and strive for it until I succeeded in perfecting my juggling act. When I let those thoughts slip to the side for a second, I got a good look at what this type of thinking was doing to myself. I was constantly focused on something else. Almost everything I was doing had thoughts for the future attached to it, or thoughts of not letting the past repeat. I was hardly ever living in the now and it was making me overwhelmed, frustrated, and even feeling like a failure at times.

 It is good to think about and plan for the future of course, but do I really need to be so focused on it? The future is so uncertain, and the past already happened and cannot be changed. What I have is now. I have today. And I have to keep in mind that I can still aspire to future goals, while still living today. I just need to let go and trust that I will get there when the time comes. Putting all of my effort in today, no matter how mundane or small it may seem at times, will get me to where I want to go. Maybe it will even get me to somewhere I didn't know I wanted, but is better than I could have imagined!

 This is not meant to sound morbid. I want to make that clear. Rather, it's meant to be a happy paradigm shift.

 I found myself having days that slipped by me, leaving me feeling like I accomplished so little, or even nothing. I went to bed thinking "I'll get it tomorrow! I will get all the house work done, cook healthy meals, play with Mackynzie and be present all day, keep my energy upbeat and super happy, have time to myself after bed, and spend some time with Cody and then I will go to bed early for once with no distractions."
 I kid you not. I was telling myself a form of this that suited my daily events, every night. Then mid-day, or sometime in the evening I would feel like I had failed everyone. I wasn't perfect today... but tomorrow..

 This mentality is so unhealthy! It was keeping me from enjoying my life to the fullest, and I was missing out on the opportunities to learn, grow, and just be in the moment. I was fighting the wave instead of just letting go and riding it.

 I have yet to master this skill, and I doubt I will ever have it 'mastered'. That's okay. Just the feeling of letting go and rolling with whatever my day brings me, has given me such a piece of mind! I hope that in working on this, I can model it for Mackynzie. It makes me upset to think of the influences and such avoidable things, that happened to make me feel that I have to be 'perfect'. My hope is that together, Cody and I can model and encourage her to just be herself. That's really what it boils down to. Be happy with who you are and secure in your feelings of what makes you you, and you will be able to overcome the things and people in this world, that try to make you believe being you is not good enough.

I just have to add that I am so incredibly thankful for the partner I share my life with. Cody has so much in him that I deeply admire. Being and staying true to himself in all situations is something I feel so fortunate that he shares with us. He helps me work on my insecurities everyday and is a constant roll model for Mackynzie, especially during times I doubt myself. 

 This doesn't mean that I will never have balance, or that I can't have balance now. It just means that I need to accept a different type of balance. It's not going to look like the image I have had placed in my mind, but it will be far more successful. More like a pie chart that is subject to daily change, than a perfectly balanced scale.

 I am working on this by reminding myself to evaluate my expectations, in moments when I feel overwhelmed  or frustrated. Making myself breath and just learn to let things go. Is this particular battle really one worth dying over? Yoga and meditative practices and mantras are things that I find immensely helpful. Even if that's not really your thing, a mantra can be something as simple as telling yourself  "Be Easy" (or don't sweat the small stuff.), just make one up that works for your own needs and situations.

 Mainly, I remind myself this; Be gentle with yourself, act from love and kindness, give up, let go, and find what works for *you*.