A 'Good'-Bad Day

 Today wasn't a bad day. It was actually a very pleasant day, right up to mid afternoon. I don't know what happened, but something was triggered that sent me into a slump. Pair that with general restlessness all around, and everyone and everything becomes overwhelmed. I'm wracking my brain, trying to figure out what set me off. I had no patience and could feel frustration constantly simmering, just waiting for the opportunity to boil over.

 Honestly though, today was one of those 'good' hard days. You see, I have been having this problem for as long as I can remember. I have these 'triggers' that send me off into the distance of my own mind. Reliving feeling, emotions, regrets, you name it. And even though I have come to a place of 'I don't live in that place/emotion anymore, it will not consume me', there has always been a piece of that thick root, hiding under layers and layers of band-aid solutions. It can be the silliest things that set me off too; a smell, tv show, name, place, etc. I would cover it up by avoidance, distraction, or even thinking that if I was able to be fine around my triggers, that all was well. Well, along this path of growing, changing and healing, I have come to the point of facing my fears. The deep ones. No more covering up the uncomfortable, or jumping to turn channels at the sight of a character. This year, I decided that enough was enough. I was going to rip that damn band-aid off, and although it may sting a little at first, I knew that it was going to feel better and better. Much better than it did slowly peeling and picking at it, wincing with each tugged hair. It was time to let it breathe the fresh air and heal. I ripped off my band aid very recently, and today I was faced with things I have been trying so desperately to cover.

 It's hard; digging in and facing your demons. They are mean, and they bite. Hard. It's hard to correct your old ways of dealing with things, and allow yourself to open up and admit your real feelings and emotions. But there is no way to face them until you know what they are, so you dig and sift and sort, and then you fight. It's not an all out brawl either. Its a delicate, yet firm test of strength. I have tasted it's victory too, and it is worth every ounce of self struggle and shed tear.

I know this year will be hard for me personally. I know there will be tears, and seemingly mental breakdowns that I roll my eyes and blush about later. But I also know that if I do this, it will be one of my most rewarding years to date. It will be liberating and freeing, and the tears that fall will water my roots to ensure they grow deep and strong.

Yes, there will be bad days, but they will be fiercely outnumbered by stunning, uplifting, really good days.