Letting Go of Balance

 For so long I have been trying to find the 'perfect balance'. To have everything leveled out in a way where I can divide myself equally among my many responsibilities and desires. Not very long ago, I came to a conclusion. It's not going to happen. Ever. There is no such thing as a perfectly balanced life. Nobody lives one, and if they tell you they do, I'll bet they aren't telling you everything.

 You know what? I am okay with this. In fact, I am freaking ecstatic about it. I realize now that I don't want to be perfectly balance. In striving for this balance, I was setting myself up for failure. You just can't be two places at once. You can't have the job you love and the home life you desire. It's not realistic; something's got to give. I think I was in denial about this at first. Maybe I didn't have it all together now, but I would get there. I would work and strive for it until I succeeded in perfecting my juggling act. When I let those thoughts slip to the side for a second, I got a good look at what this type of thinking was doing to myself. I was constantly focused on something else. Almost everything I was doing had thoughts for the future attached to it, or thoughts of not letting the past repeat. I was hardly ever living in the now and it was making me overwhelmed, frustrated, and even feeling like a failure at times.

 It is good to think about and plan for the future of course, but do I really need to be so focused on it? The future is so uncertain, and the past already happened and cannot be changed. What I have is now. I have today. And I have to keep in mind that I can still aspire to future goals, while still living today. I just need to let go and trust that I will get there when the time comes. Putting all of my effort in today, no matter how mundane or small it may seem at times, will get me to where I want to go. Maybe it will even get me to somewhere I didn't know I wanted, but is better than I could have imagined!

 This is not meant to sound morbid. I want to make that clear. Rather, it's meant to be a happy paradigm shift.

 I found myself having days that slipped by me, leaving me feeling like I accomplished so little, or even nothing. I went to bed thinking "I'll get it tomorrow! I will get all the house work done, cook healthy meals, play with Mackynzie and be present all day, keep my energy upbeat and super happy, have time to myself after bed, and spend some time with Cody and then I will go to bed early for once with no distractions."
 I kid you not. I was telling myself a form of this that suited my daily events, every night. Then mid-day, or sometime in the evening I would feel like I had failed everyone. I wasn't perfect today... but tomorrow..

 This mentality is so unhealthy! It was keeping me from enjoying my life to the fullest, and I was missing out on the opportunities to learn, grow, and just be in the moment. I was fighting the wave instead of just letting go and riding it.

 I have yet to master this skill, and I doubt I will ever have it 'mastered'. That's okay. Just the feeling of letting go and rolling with whatever my day brings me, has given me such a piece of mind! I hope that in working on this, I can model it for Mackynzie. It makes me upset to think of the influences and such avoidable things, that happened to make me feel that I have to be 'perfect'. My hope is that together, Cody and I can model and encourage her to just be herself. That's really what it boils down to. Be happy with who you are and secure in your feelings of what makes you you, and you will be able to overcome the things and people in this world, that try to make you believe being you is not good enough.

I just have to add that I am so incredibly thankful for the partner I share my life with. Cody has so much in him that I deeply admire. Being and staying true to himself in all situations is something I feel so fortunate that he shares with us. He helps me work on my insecurities everyday and is a constant roll model for Mackynzie, especially during times I doubt myself. 

 This doesn't mean that I will never have balance, or that I can't have balance now. It just means that I need to accept a different type of balance. It's not going to look like the image I have had placed in my mind, but it will be far more successful. More like a pie chart that is subject to daily change, than a perfectly balanced scale.

 I am working on this by reminding myself to evaluate my expectations, in moments when I feel overwhelmed  or frustrated. Making myself breath and just learn to let things go. Is this particular battle really one worth dying over? Yoga and meditative practices and mantras are things that I find immensely helpful. Even if that's not really your thing, a mantra can be something as simple as telling yourself  "Be Easy" (or don't sweat the small stuff.), just make one up that works for your own needs and situations.

 Mainly, I remind myself this; Be gentle with yourself, act from love and kindness, give up, let go, and find what works for *you*.

Sunscreen: Finding safe options and maybe a little something you didn't know

 Since the 'official' start of summer is just around the corner, I figured now would be a good time to talk about sun screen.

 We put sun screen on our children and on ourselves because too much sun can cause cancers and sun burns. Any will do, the higher the SPF the better. Slap it on, rub it in, and reapply every two hours or after becoming wet (although they have new 'one application' sun screens now.). That's what people know to be true, right? That's what we are told, that's what everyone does.

  Studies and new scientific findings, however are starting to make parents question their sun protection methods. For example, check out the EWG's article on 'the nine surprising truths of sun screen'. Companies are also changing their labels to 'broad spectrum protection' rather than spf ___, due to skin needing protection from both UVA and UVB rays. When I first started hearing about all this, I was really confused. What the heck would I use if the majority of brands on the shelves contained chemicals that could potentially give me and my baby an increased risk of skin cancer? Why would they sell something with dangerous ingredients that leach into your skin! I was left feeling a lot of mixed emotions on the subject. I talked with friends and family and soon discovered that hardly anyone even knew the dangers of sunscreen. With no one to give advice, I spent the winter reading, thinking, and devising a plan for when the snow melted and the sprinklers came on. I want to share with you the gist of some of the things I learned and what we have decided to use.

I should note that this is still a bit of a work in progress for me, but I am about to share a list with you that I assume will fix my dilemma. Also, if it isn't obvious, I am not a doctor or skin care professional. If you have concerns, you should speak with a dermatologist or trusted health care professional.

 If you haven't read the link posted above yet, I highly suggest you do. Its short, easy to read and to the point, but it can give you a better idea of what I mean by the chemicals. The first thing on my list for protecting our family was natural, simple ways for safe sun exposure. We all need short periods (approx 15 mins) of unprotected sun exposure several times per week, to maintain healthy levels of vitamin D. For times when we will be out for longer periods however, we wear hats, play in the shade when we can, and wear loose/light clothing such as cotton, linen, and hemp (there are many more options) that cover exposed skin.

 When it comes to sunscreen, there are still many options for safe sun protection. Organic brands tend to run fairly pricey for small amounts, which can be a problem for many families (like us!) who have a budget to stick to. The following is a great list that I trust enough to pass on to you. It has been composed by Job description mommy  using the EWG's skin deep cosmetics database.  please visit her web site for more information and details. 

8 safe sunscreens for children and mamas! that you can actually find in the store:

1. Episencial Broad Spectrum Sunscreen, SPF 35, Rated a 2
2. Badger Baby Sunscreen, Chamomile and Calendula, SPF 30+, Rated a 1
3. California Baby No Fragrance Sunscreen Stick, Rated a 1
4. Coppertone Water Babies Pure and Simple Sunscreen Lotion SPF 50, Rated a 2
5. Burt's Bees Baby Bee Sunscreen Stick, SPF 30, Rated a 2
6. Aveeno Baby Natural Protection MineralBlock Face Stick SPF 50+, rated a 2
7. Earth's Best Chemical Free Organic Sunblock, SPF 30+, Rated a 2
8. Alba Botanica Very Emollient, Kids Mineral Protection SPF 30, Rated a 2

Hopefully this makes someone's sun protection search a little bit easier than mine was! 

 Now let's all go soak up some sun!

Oat Flour... Where have you been all my life?

 I have been learning a lot lately. Isn't that how it always goes?

One of the things I learned today makes me very happy... because seemingly odd things can make me giddy.

 Oat flour.

Grind up oats (regular, not quick.) and replace it in any recipe that calls for flour. It has a sort of light nutty taste, but it's very delicious and works very well! As a family who strive for gluten free options, this is a very awesome thing to know. I feel much more relaxed knowing i can throw some oats in my blender, rather than scouring the stores to find alternative flours that aren't always nice on the wallet. You can bet I will be baking with this from now on! not to mention how much healthier it is in comparison to the standard options. (hello fiber?) 

I baked with it for the first time this morning. I made simple gluten/dairy/egg free banana muffins for Mackynzie, okay... and for myself, to enjoy. they were a hit! I even think Cody will like it when I make him something without bananas in it.

Oh ya, putting your baking ingredients in a blender is awesome. Some of you may be thinking that this was so last year and I should know this, but hey, better late than never!

Time to sleep when baby sleeps. For real.

 Sometimes, I think I get so busy and wrapped up in the things I 'have' to do, I make myself believe that I simply don't have time to take care of myself completely. I can't do five minutes of something calming, I have to do the dishes. I can't stop and enjoy the moment right now, I am in the middle of doing something. I can't sleep when baby sleeps, That's the only time I have to get stuff done, or put my feet up. I am so silly sometimes!

 I tend to mix up things that are actually relaxing, rejuvenating, and over all better for my well being, with things that let my mind turn to mush. For example, when I get downtime in a day I tend spend it doing things like checking social media or watching mindless television. My body might be resting, but my mind is processing and thinking and generally just doing a whole lot of not so relaxing stuff.

Today, however, I took the time to actually relax. I took a nap. I slept when my baby slept. Now, napping isn't that extremely rare. Sometimes, this mama gets tired... really tired, and when I am at the point where I can  hardly get my but off the couch or speak proper English, I give in and collapse in an exhausted heap while Cody takes over for me. When I wake thirty minutes to an hour later, I don`t feel extremely well rested. Sure I`m not as close to walking into walls, but I am typically sort of cranky, lethargic, and bummed that I only got to sleep an hour and not a full nights worth of rest. That`s why I try and avoid napping and just try to tough it out until bed time. Back to today though, Mackynzie had been napping for about an hour while I read a book. I felt the familiar drowsy feeling wash over me (a feeling I would usually shake off and go on. Often due to being distracted on my phone or watching something.), and I was about to brush it off, when I stopped to think about it. Could I use a nap? Always. Was I doing something that was extremely important and could not be left for any period of time? Of course not. Having just been reading and my mind being far more relaxed than if I were doing something of the usual, I was more in tune with myself and my instincts (amazing what taking a technology break can do.) I really wanted to just snuggle my baby, so I decided I would go upstairs to do just that. I doubted I would sleep, but I figured just resting in bed would be beneficial. I crawled in beside her, snuggled her close, and closed my eyes. When I awoke, I looked at my  little girl smiling and stretching at me and thought it must have been at least an hour later! I felt like I had solidly slept for two hours! When we did everything that is needed to get out of bed and go downstairs, I was extremely surprised that only a half hour had passed. Clearly, I needed to take advantage of when my body started to show signs of sleepiness more often.

 For me, it is really hard to pry myself away from whatever I am doing and meet by basic needs sometimes. I have programmed myself to just ignore my body and push through for so many years, I have forgotten what it's like to respond and care for myself. That one is an odd realization.  Caring for everyone else, and then discovering you have been neglecting your own needs. Especially when I had thought I was taking care of myself. In reality, I was just cheating my way around it. Shoving all my stuff in the closet and shutting the door if you will. I did my hair sort of, I got dressed, I ate food, I showered, I went to bed eventually... That was all I needed, right? Well let's just say It's a work in progress, but my eyes have been opened to the fact that it's time to cut it out and take care of myself for real.I am no good to anyone if I am only sliding by.

 And with that, I think I will crawl into bed for some beauty  body sleep.

What's This? A Quiet House?

  We just had a wonderful play date with two super cute little friends and their mama. Now, Cody and Mackynzie are at music class together (without mama!). It feels really weird to have a quiet house... This is the second time Mackynzie and I have been apart for a period of time the first being a hair appointment a couple months ago. I love to see her and Cody together, and I am really glad we get to do things like this. It fills my heart and calms me to not have an ounce of anxiety about her leaving me. I thought maybe some of the people who have had comments about how we will never be able to leave each other, and how we will be mentally destroyed yada yada, could maybe be right and I would freak out or something.  Not to worry though.   They left smiling and giggling, and I retreated to the couch to an evening of a book and a yummy snack!

 A friend just brought over Beyond the sling, written by Mayim Bialik for me to read. I'm super excited. I have heard nothing but wonderful things about it, and the more I find out about her, the more I like her! 

Has anyone read this? What did you think?

If you would like to keep in touch with me and see what I am up to, you can follow me on twitter here, and on instagram (just search 'rainbowmiller').

Our Journey Into Night Weaning: Night 7

If you haven't already, you can read about our decision to night wean 19 month old Mackynzie, with Dr. Jay Gordon's method of changing sleep patterns in the family bed,  and how night 1, night 2, night 3, night 4,  night 5, and night 6 went.

 Night 7 was good. It was not as good as night 6, but it was still good.

Mackynzie went to bed easily at about 8:15. I went to bed around 10:30. She woke up twice during the night, but only needed me to lay her back down and she rolled over and went to sleep. Nothing more, that was that. She woke up shortly after 6am, and after nursing she slept until close to 8.

This morning, we did our usual Saturday morning thing; going to the bakery for breakfast and then we stopped at the library to get cards. We hit the grocery store before heading home. We were all well rested and happy. This is so nice.

Night weaning was a really good idea for our family. I am really glad I just went with my gut and we did our own thing, instead of worrying about how anyone else felt about us doing what we needed to do.

We are going to keep doing what we have been doing, and I will come back for a one month update on how everything has gone/is going.

 I never imagined something like night weaning could have such an impact on our lives, but it has. I am very grateful for this experience.

Our Journey Into Night Weaning: Night 6

 Continuing with our decision to night wean 19 month old Mackynzie, with Dr. Jay Gordon's method of changing sleep patterns in the family bed, we are now on night 6 (about to go on to night 7 tonight.). You can read about night 1, night 2, night 3, night 4, and night 5.

 Oh night 6... You surprising, wonderful night, you...

If you have been keeping up with our night weaning experience, you will know that yesterday I was concerned about how night 6 would go. Mackynzie had had a really late nap (she didn't wake up until 3:30pm and she usually has her nap around 10:30am.) and before all this, that meant bed time was basically going to be a big flop.

 It actually went quite well! She was sleeping by something like 8:30, and didn't wake at all between the time she went to bed and I went to sleep. I even had to change her entire outfit, and the bed because she was sleeping so heavily she had an accident. She hardly flinched with me moving her around and even sitting her up to change her shirt! I came to bed later then usual, at around 11pm, and had a hard time falling asleep. Go figure. She sleeps like a log and I am restless... haha  I think I fell asleep somewhere between 11:30 and midnight, sort of dreading the thought that she would most likely be up in an hour or so and i was so tired. I laid my hand on her chest to make sure she was still breathing ( Yes, sometimes I am still ridiculous like that.) and must have closed my eyes, because that's all I remember. She woke up calmly and sat up and made some random noises to get my attention. When I opened my eyes, I was surprised to see it was very light out through the blinds. I glanced at the clock and had to do a double take. It was 6:38! We slept through the night! For the very first time in our entire life together! I asked her If she would like to nurse then, and she giggled and said 'ya!' with a little bounce. She cuddled against me and nursed. We had done this every morning since she was born, but this time felt different. She rubbed my belly and chest, and unlatched to smile at me a couple times. I combed my fingers through her hair and made humming noises at her. Maybe it is because I am finally getting some sleep, that I can now fully appreciate this, but I felt like our relationship had grown stronger, and onto its next chapter. I didn't have the itchy, icky feeling I had been getting so many times before when we nursed. I was just enjoying her in that moment, and she was enjoying me. Everything felt right again and the past few weeks of us feeling disconnected through all the chaos that our life has been, felt as though it had never existed. I watched her in that moment and breathed a heavy sigh of relief. We weren't lost. I wasn't a bad mom who was loosing her daughter already. Though our bond had always been there, it was stronger than ever now. It is stronger than ever. And it's this beautiful new chapter of our relationship, where she is expressing her feelings and love right back to me, in ways besides nursing.

I feel good.

She fell asleep again, and we slept until about 7:45-8am. We woke up and started our day with a really great fresh start.  Tonight might be the complete opposite of last night, who knows. But that doesn't matter. We needed that night and we got it. Things are getting better and we are sure to have some less than perfect nights ahead, but I bet we will have some pretty great ones too.