I have a lot of feelings tonight. Pregnancy helps those flow more freely, but I have nights where I hit that deep ache of my heart and i get to just swim around there for a little while. Usually I feel overwhelmed and cry these nights. Overcome with raw and humbling gratitude. Most of it stems from motherhood; this crazy journey that throws you in every direction and teaches you every lesson that really matters -should you choose to learn. Being blessed with the privilege of raising this breath taking little person -soon to be two little people- I don't even have words to describe this feeling. My heart is raw and vulnerable as it grows and walks outside of my body. I really couldn't imagine this life any other way.
My baby girl turned three last week. We celebrated three years of our life together. I honestly don't think anything before her mattered very much. My soul knows this is where I was walking to the entire time. Now I get to live and learn and grow like I didn't even know what life was before her. I know that's going to happen again, with just as much force as it came with the first time. If i'm being honest, part of me is a little intimidated by that. The vulnerability that comes with growing your heart to surround another - that can be scary. I feel my love for the sweet boy I'm growing right now, while knowing that it's nothing to what I'm going to feel when I meet him. It's an odd feeling the second time. I love him, but I know how the love you feel while pregnant looks so dim in comparison to the way your heart explodes when you see their face and touch their skin.
I'm trying to prepare myself while at the same time, know I can't possibly prepare. That's why I've been so absent everywhere lately. I'm just focused on taking care of myself, and getting Mackynzie ready to be a family of four. I have so much self work I want to do before he gets here. I have really lost myself since moving here, and I am desperately working to get myself back. To be her very best mother so that when he comes, he arrives into our lives peacefully and effortlessly. Right now I just feel like all the things I want to do and fix and work on at the end of the day, fade away by morning. So I've had to really just put everything else aside. I have realised that's the only way I'm going to accomplish what my heart needs. To shut out the distraction and chaos that is keeping up with other people's lives. It's just so not worth it to try and juggle it with the important things. I'm trying to find what works for right now, because I have finally realized that there is no such thing as balancing. Trying to balance everything is exhausting and a complete waste of time, because it just can't be done. Nobody can truly keep all their balls in the air. The thing is, we just have to decide which balls we let fall. If we try keeping them all up, then important ones end up laying on the floor being tripped over and causing more trouble.
Instead, I know I just have to do what I can every day, and be the best mother/wife/person I can be and not ask a single thing more of myself. I have to extend that to those around me as well.
Right now, that probably means not seeing me whole lot via social media. I'll probably get behind on posts, or leave the blog quiet for periods (and then maybe post a whole bunch.). I know that eventually, I'll find time for social media and blogging, but i'm not going to let it get in front of the important stuff anymore. Honestly, I feel like when I put it that way I'll never have time, but I'm sure that won't be the case. I just want to step away from the camera and the updates and know that it's okay to just capture things in my heart. I want my kids to remember a mom who played and laughed and messed up and gave the best snuggles and hugs and kissed way too much. Not a mom who was always behind a camera or phone or not paying as much attention as I could be. It's easy to say but it's actually really hard to practice. Getting sucked into this huge social media movement (whatever you want to call it) really gets a hold of you. It makes you feel like you need it. It's a mindless craving and becomes habit so quickly. I'm not saying i'm quitting anything, I'm just saying I'm not committing to any of it. I just can't. I would love to have a consistent blog where I share everything, but right now it's just eating up too much of my precious time. She turned three. And the past year I was just so far away from where I wanted to be. A whole year of being in this confusing middle place with everything- I just can not let that happen for any longer. I need to be present and I have to re learn what that means and feel my way there.
So with all of these feelings spilled out across the screen, I'll say this. I'm not leaving, but I'm not staying either. I'll see you when I see you. I have this weird obligatory feeling because I have a blog and it's sort of ridiculous.
I am so thankful for all of you. For your support. For your patience as I figure out life and try to write about it. Thank you. I have learned an incredible amount from you, and I'm sure I will learn more.
Now, I'm going to snuggle beside my sleeping daughter while my son kicks and moves inside.
(Unknown)
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